Confusion and Grief

Well life has been horrible lately, but I know I need to pick myself up again. A few days ago I was told my sisters BFF past-away. She was always at my house growing up making everything brighter.  I have already ranted about it in my personal journal, as a result I think I have sorted my thoughts, I still cry, but I have also managed to smile. I love the quote from Les Miserables "And rain will make the flowers grow." I can't keep this out of my head. The worst part is that I never felt angry about it, is it strange to say that I know it was right, no matter how much I wish it did not happen? God needs her and I wish I knew why, but I don't think I will find out. Whenever I think about it though I just feel peace mixed with longing and grief. I know it is a strange combination, but that is what I feel. You probably are wondering how I can feel peace and grief at the same time, I don't know if that is exactly what it is, however that is the closest I can come to describing it. I started writing a poem, its not done yet, when it is I might post it. Thanks for listening, I guess I am at that stage when I want to talk about it but not in person with people. Cheers.      

On last nights topic

Haha this is exactly how I felt in high-school.. and how I sometimes still feel when I am tired after work... Ya I am a geek, at least I know it though :)

I am tired, I am ranting. About what? I dunno just stuff.

           Do you ever have that feeling when you are so tired that you become lightheaded? Well I have that feeling right now. I know I should really get off the computer and get some sleep, but I just don't feel like it. It`s like riding a bike down hill really fast, you know you`re gonna crash, and you know you should slow down and take a deep breath, but the feeling of being alive through the perils of life is so exhilarating that you cannot bring yourself to stop. In my case I just can't bring myself to get off of the computer. It`s really not a great analogy, however I still gave one so please be satisfied. A+  for effort right? Haha nope? that`s okay.
           I feel that this comparison fits my whole life right now. I can`t slow down, and when I try I get board to death! Not over relationships, but over work and activities. When I was in school I was involved in so many extra-curricular activities that it is a wonder I passed anything! I took choir, cheer, dance, band, voice, piano and theater, and not to mention I also would go to activities with a youth-group every week, along with that my exams and papers were piling quite high. I was a mess in high-school but now it is over I can`t seem to fill my time with enough activities to keep me going.
           My biggest problem is socializing. Sure I had a group of friends in high-school, and they still are my closest peeps, but the majority of them are girls and I have come to the realization that I don`t know how to be the "normal" girl that most guys like. I am obsessed with theater, and in high-school I was a huge weeaboo ( for those that do not know what this, is it means I was very obsessive over anime, preferred Japan over every country... pretty much I just would sit and groan everyday because I am not Japanese).  Don't get me wrong I still watch anime and all that, and I have learned to socialize for hours without bringing it up.. it`s progress guys.. progress, but perhaps not enough.I still can`t decide on what to talk to boys about and I hardly can read signs to know if they like me, I have never been kissed or go on many dates. I just can`t seem to attach myself to people that easily. I guess this can be a good thing, and yes there have been moments when I thought that the guy would kiss me, but I just can`t bring myself to do it if I don`t really love him, because I don`t want to hurt anyone.
          If you find I am old fashioned and a very slow mover you would be right, and I don`t believe in sex before marriage, I think it is more romantic to wait. Have I told you that I am a romantic?  All my life I have had a wild imagination that has lead me to unrealistic dreams. I do think it is okay to dream, and have standards, but looks are not everything. Quasimodo in the hunchback of Notre-Dame is perhaps the best example of this. His heart was so pure that he gave his  life weeping over the body of Esmeralda who he had fallen in love with, and he stayed with her until he died of starvation. I am not saying I want this to happen by any means, I am not that hopeful ;) . I just think it is a sweet story that shows everyone that looks don't matter. I try not to worry about peoples looks, but sometimes dang! hot guys show up and I end up running out of the room in surprise... perhaps this is why I can`t find a guy haha, That and I have a very hard time expressing my real thoughts and opinions out loud, that is why my blog may be a little too loud. I was always a really shy and quiet girl. If you saw me with my friends you wouldn`t think that, but they are the only people I am really loud around (If you don't count family). By friends I don't mean people I met one day and decided on friendship (although that did happen with one or two), they were people who had always been there and then formed a deeper trust than I would think possible if I was not in the group. Sorry if I was too dramatic... I know this may not be the best way to close, but I am going to sleep finally... okay soon.                          

Me a Blogger?

         Well I guess I have decided to make a blog. Honestly I never thought of myself as a blogger, however I believe it is time to try something new, mostly to keep myself entertained, and hopefully those who are reading this as well. If you are reading this I give my condolences, because you have obviously nothing better to do, and are unfortunate enough to have come across my poor blogging skills. To each their own though!

         To start off I have a tiny confession. I never liked blogs until quite recently, and I do not know how active I will be as a blogger. I will attempt to make what I do post worth while... according to internet standards. In my blog I fully intend to give my thoughts and feelings of the world to the world despite what everyone else may think, because I am an individual just as you are, and so I will apologize now for any offence that you may take from my writing. If you are still reading congratulations! You are now officially one of the few random people who are!